


I'm Not That Girl

by shonn



Category: Wicked RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:33:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22201894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shonn/pseuds/shonn
Summary: I wish I knew how you felt, how you feel about...about anything.
Relationships: Kendra Kassebaum/Julia Murney
Comments: 3
Kudos: 1





	I'm Not That Girl

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rysler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rysler/gifts).



Kendra met Julia on the steps of the Gershwin, Julia's smile tired but genuine. 

"Good morning, sunshine."

"It's not morning anymore, and it's still too early for happiness," Kendra said. "What happened to you?" she asked, annoyance coloring the edge of her voice, but she took Julia's outstretched hand and squeezed it as they entered the theater.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought we had brunch plans."

Julia stopped, pulling Kendra to a halt before the other woman realized they had quit moving. 

"Ah, Ken, I'm sorry. I forgot. You should have reminded me."

"I couldn't. You disappeared after the show last night. Where did you go?"

"A friend called and asked if I could meet her. I'm sorry." Julia pouted her lips and tried to look pitiful. "Forgive me?"

Kendra sighed and Julia interlaced their fingers, tugging softly until Kendra smiled. "All right. You're forgiven."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Glitter was everywhere, and Kendra wondered briefly how other Glindas had managed to keep it from taking over the world. She glanced up when she heard Julia in the hallway and smiled when the other woman appeared in her doorway.

"You look sparkly," Julia said.

"I always look sparkly before a show. What's behind your back?"

Julia shrugged. "Nothing." At Kendra's skeptical look, Julia added, "Only this," as she presented Kendra with a clean white iris. "I really am sorry I missed brunch."

Kendra accepted the flower and stood, opening her arms to engulf Julia in a hug. "It's beautiful," she said as they parted. "But I already told you you're forgiven."

"Then consider it insurance for the next time I screw up."

"You sound certain it will happen again."

Julia laughed. "It will. It can't be helped." She backed out of the room. "I've got to get greenified. Wouldn't do for the mid-afternoon audience to have a pale Elphaba."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kendra had three missed calls on her cell phone when the show ended, one from her mother which she was returning when Julia appeared in front of her. She pulled on a curl. Kendra, fresh from the shower, had not bothered to blow dry her hair.

"I'll see you later," Julia mouthed, and Kendra just nodded. She wanted to ask where Julia was going, but her brother was suddenly on the phone and Kendra had to pay attention to the ricocheting conversation.

When she finally hung up, she traced the petals of the iris Julia had given her. She would have to take her allergy medicine soon or she wouldn't be able to sing at that night's show. 

Sighing, she packed her bag and left the theater, signing autographs for the few fans who had waited. As she walked home, Kendra remembered word for word a conversation about gardens she'd had with Julia a month earlier. She recalled how she had confided in Julia that the roses and other flowers given out at the end of the shows made her sneeze for hours afterward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone ringing woke her, and Kendra groaned at the sound. Rolling over, she picked it up where it lay on the coffee table in front of her. Julia's name flashed on the screen, and Kendra let the call go to voicemail. She rubbed her eyes and stared at the ceiling for a long moment before checking the clock. 

She had only been asleep for half an hour, but she had not meant to fall asleep at all. She had to rush to get to the theater, bypassing Julia's dressing room for her own. But when she walked into her inner sanctum, she knew Julia had been there. 

The iris Kendra had so carefully tucked away in the trash was now sitting on her makeup table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We don't always get what we want, Julia," Kendra said as she walked into her costar's dressing room, not bothering to shut the door behind her. She knew she would not be staying.

Julia watched in the mirror as Kendra fell unceremoniously onto the couch. "True," she said as she dabbed green paint onto her forehead. "But we can always hope."

"No, we can't. Sometimes, we have to take what is given to us rather we want to or not."

"You're going to wrinkle your gown."

Kendra glared at her. "I'm talking about fate and you're worried about my dress. Typical."

"Kristin will be here tonight."

"Kristin will not be critiquing my outfit." Kendra shrugged. "She's not here to see me anyway."

Julia turned in her chair to look at Kendra. "Idina in town?" she asked.

"Yes. Didn't she call you?" Julia turned back to the mirror. "I thought she always called you."

"I'm not Kristin," Julia answered.

Kendra stood. "Neither am I," she said and walked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was hidden by the drapes and the dimness of backstage, craning her neck past the heavy curtain to catch a glimpse of the audience. 

"Who are you looking for?" Sebastian asked close to her ear, pressing himself against her back.

Kendra jumped and then turned to him, a smile already in place. "Just checking out the crowd."

"Didn't you see it well enough from your bubble?"

"I was kind of busy up there," she said. She saw Julia in the shadows talking to a stagehand. Kendra tried to remember his name. 

"Oz to Kendra," Sebastian said. "You must still be up in that bubble."

Kendra smiled. "Still flying high. I'm going to get some water before I have to pretend to love you."

"Who has to pretend?" he said as she disappeared into the darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The applause hurt her ears, and Julia's hand in hers was warm instead of cool like it was normally. Kendra prepared herself for the outburst she thought was coming. She didn't know why she expected it. She had never been frightened of Julia before, and Julia had never been anything less than wonderful to her. 

Still, as they walked off stage, she waited for Julia with an uneasy anticipation. Julia joined her after saying good night to a flying monkey, and they made their way silently to Julia's dressing room. Not even their shoulders touched.

"I screwed up," Kendra said finally, the hush worse than a scolding.

"Yeah. What was wrong with you out there?"

Kendra shrugged. "I was just distracted."

"By fate?" Kendra didn’t answer. "You don't even believe in fate, Kendra," Julia said with a laugh.

"You don't know what I believe in," Kendra said, and for the second time that night, she walked away from Julia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The knock on the door surprised Kendra, but she opened it without checking to see who was on the other side. She smiled when Julia held up an _Enquirer_ paper, the headline spouting aliens had landed.

"You read the _Times_. I thought you needed some culture."

"We should have been on the _X-Files_ ," Kendra said taking the paper from Julia.

"Elphaba would have fit in."

"Not Glinda?" Kendra asked as she shut the door behind Julia and followed Julia into the kitchen. "She rides around in a bubble and carries a wand. You don't think Mulder would have been interested?"

"Forget Mulder. Think Scully. You have any soda?" Julia opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water without waiting for an answer.

"Did we have plans?" Kendra asked.

Julia leaned against the counter and opened her water but didn't drink. "I miss that show. It was like the Canadian _Law & Order_."

"You're ignoring me," Kendra said.

"I was being witty."

"You were being droll, which you always do when you're ignoring me."

"I'm ignoring the situation," Julia said. "Not you."

"Why are you here?"

"Last night, on stage, you missed two cues."

"What do you want me to say?" Kendra asked. She sounded uninterested. Julia watched her, and Kendra finally smiled. "What?"

"It wasn't a big deal."

"I know."

"Then why the dramatics?" Kendra shrugged. "Is there something we need to talk about?" Julia asked.

"Is there?" 

Julia sighed. "It feels like...I don't know...Like we're on opposite ends of a spectrum all of a sudden."

"It's never felt like that for you before?"

"We're not strangers, Kendra."

"Then what are we?"

"Whatever you deem us to be. It's always been left up to you."

"Maybe I don't want it that way."

Kendra met Julia's eyes before looking away.

"You close yourself off, Kendra, and I don't know the magic words to get in." Julia put her bottle of water down and pushed off the counter. "I wish I did. I wish I knew how you felt, how you feel about...about _anything_."

"That's not true."

"You were distracted?"

Kendra shook her head. "I don't know what you want, Julia, but until you figure it out, I can't help you."

"And when I do?"

"I'll be here."

Julia walked toward the front of the apartment. Kendra trailed behind. "Do you know what you want, Kendra?" Julia opened the door but turned to meet Kendra's eyes. "I hope you do."

When Julia left, Kendra leaned against her door. "You'd be surprised," she whispered. "Wishing only wounds the heart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kendra!"

Kendra held the phone from her ear at Michelle's excited exclamation. 

"Hey, Shell. Why are you so happy?"

"Maybe I sound happier than I am because you sound so miserable. What's going on? Why aren't you enjoying your day off?"

"I am. Just tired. And you are happy. I can tell."

"You haven't forgotten about tomorrow night, have you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Karaoke night! Everyone is going to be there. Including you."

Kendra groaned. "If I must. You do realize we have a show tomorrow night?"

"Of course. You'll be primed and ready for the stage."

"I'm glad you've thought this through."

"You'll remind Julia? I tried calling but she wasn't answering. I think she's avoiding me, which won't work. I left her a long message explaining why."

"I'm sure you did. You're good at explaining."

"You're jealous." 

"I am."

"Anyway, I've got other calls to make. You'll be there tomorrow night?"

"Sure," Kendra said. 

"Remind Julia."

"Goodbye, Michelle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the second time that day, a knock at her front door surprised Kendra, but this time, she checked to see who was on the other side before opening it. Julia walked past Kendra into the apartment but waited close by until Kendra had shut and locked the door. Before she realized Julia had moved, Julia pressed her against the door almost painfully, her arms firmly in Julia's grip. "Show me something of yourself, Kendra."

Kendra glared at her. "You've seen everything," Kendra lied, anger and relief warring within her. "What more do you want?"

Julia tightened her grasp on Kendra's wrist. 

"I want you."

Kendra wanted to lie again, but it caught in her throat. Julia sounded desperate.

"You've got me," Kendra said. She could offer one truth at least.

Julia kissed her then, and Kendra closed her eyes. Suddenly, she felt as desperate as Julia had sounded. She pushed her tongue into Julia's mouth, the uncustomary bold move surprising Julia. Kendra pulled her arms from Julia's hold before forcing Julia back without separating their bodies.

As they landed on the bed, Julia twisted, hovering over Kendra as they both tried to catch their breath.

"I want to feel you. I want you to feel me," Julia said.

"Make me," Kendra pleaded. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kendra was on her back, a light blue sheet draped over her, the red marks from Julia's teeth bright against her pale skin. Julia was on her side next to Kendra, propped on her elbow looking down on Kendra, her free hand caressing Kendra’s stomach.

"I think I should go," Julia said. "We have a show in a few hours."

Kendra's eyes were closed, but she could hear the tentativeness in Julia's voice, could sense the hesitation in Julia's movements.

"It's not an excuse, Julia. It's okay." Silence wrapped around them, and Kendra waited for Julia to leave. After a long moment, she opened her eyes to find Julia staring at her. Despite herself, Kendra smiled. "You've been doing that a lot lately."

Julia brushed a strand of hair from Kendra's forehead. "Can't help it." 

"You're such a sap."

They both laughed, gently and shyly. "Are we going to be okay?" Julia asked after another silence.

"We want the same things, Julia."

"Do we?"

"Yes."

"Fate?" Julia asked.

"So much of life is."

"I...I don't want to lose you, Kendra."

Kendra leaned up and met Julia's lips in their first tender moment of the day. 

"It's okay, Julia," she whispered. She kissed Julia again and then genuinely smiled.

"What does that mean?"

"We'll find out together."

Julia sighed, relief making her voice softer. "I'll see you in a few hours?"

"I'll be the one in the gown."

Julia kissed her again before untangling herself from the blankets. She found her clothes one piece at a time and dressed in the semi-dark. Kendra watched her through hooded eyes, laughing as Julia jumped on one foot trying to put on her shoe.

"You think I'm funny now," Julia said as she sat down next to Kendra. "You should see me on stage." Julia kissed her forehead. "I'll see you later."

Kendra reached for Julia's hand, not letting go until their fingertips were barely touching as Julia stood up from the bed. Kendra heard the door closing as Julia left, and she fell back against her pillows with a sigh. She needed to get up, to take a shower and erase the smell of Julia from her body, but Kendra didn't move. She wanted Julia's scent to soak into her skin, to serve as a reminder of what they had done, a warning to Kendra of what she should never do again but would as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bar was crowded, people crammed together at tables too small for the customers gathered around them. Kendra spotted Shoshana talking to Eden in the corner and made her way over to them, finding a dozen other Wicked members scattered from wall to wall.

"Kenny!"

Kendra groaned at the name, but she fell into Shoshana's arms with a sigh of gratitude. "I'm so glad to see you," she said when they parted. She hugged Eden, rocking them back and forth until Eden squealed to be let go.

"I'm glad you decided to come. Jules said you would be here, but she can barely keep up with herself. Why didn't you come together? Are you going to sing?"

"I have a feeling I won't have a choice," Kendra said, looking around the crowded room. "Have you seen Julia? She said she would meet me here."

Shoshana nodded. "She's around here somewhere. I think Sutton has her hidden away in some dark spot, lamenting about whatever it is Sutton is worrying over now."

Kendra laughed and hugged Shoshana again. "Eden, keep your eye on her while I get a beer."

"It's hard not to," Eden said. As Kendra walked way, she heard Eden shriek as Shoshana began tickling her.

Sitting down in a booth packed with current and past cast members, Kendra reached for a beer, opened it, and took a big drink. The bottle hit her teeth, the noise making Jenna cringe. Kendra closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of her seat. When the music began, she smiled. "That's Julia," she said without opening her eyes or moving from her comfortable position. 

"That could be anyone," Jenna said. "We're all playing whatever the karaoke director hands us before we go on stage."

"That's Julia," Kendra repeated and smiled. "I can feel it." _I can feel her._


End file.
